Transformative Works 101
by seriousish
Summary: "What makes you think we're in a fanfic, Abed?"


"Does it seem to anyone else like we're floating in a blank, featureless space?" Abed asked.

Troy instantly replied "Like Paula Abdul's career?" and held up his hand to get some skin. No one gave him any.

"More like the room where the wormhole aliens talked to Sisko. "

"It's the study room," Jeff interspersed. He gestured around to the windows, the books, the motivational posters the dean had ordered that all seemed to involve firemen. "We've been coming here for two years now. You and Troy rearranged the furniture so it looks like the Millennium Falcon if you see it from the right angle."

"Best weekend ever," Troy said, pumping his fist.

Abed looked around, nodding. "That's better. I think we're in a fanfic, guys."

'Great, I was getting bored of being on a TV show," Britta said. "All those promotional considerations—" She took a bite of her Happy Meal.

"Don't encourage him," Jeff said, at the same time Annie said "What makes you think we're in a fanfic, Abed?"

"Fanfiction is notorious for excluding minorities and women," Abed explained. "Shirley is both, and she's not here."

"Sorry I'm late," Shirley said, walking in. "My kids needed me to buy an M-rated game for them. I think it's horrible how they inconvenience us parents by not letting children buy their own games."

"And does anyone else feel less defined than usual? Many fanfics skimp on descriptions."

Jeff's massive forehead wrinkled in thought. "If anything, my head feels bigger than usual."

"It could just be you're hungover," Britta pointed out.

"That's probably it."

"Many characters, especially ones who aren't young and sexy, are reduced to repeating catchphrases."

"That's not streets ahead," Pierce remarked.

"Why would anyone want to write fanfic about us?" Annie asked. "Did they cancel Legend of the Seeker?"

Abed looked downcast for a moment, before replying in a Southern twang. "Don't ever ask me. Long as you live, don't ever ask me more."

Pierce gave a thumbs up. "Nice John Wayne. Very streets ahead."

Abed perked back up. "Fanfics are usually written to showcase things that can't be explored on a TV show."

"Like what?"

"Relationships and fucking," Jeff said.

"You said the F word," Abed pointed out. "You can't do that on TV. Fanfic."

"I say the F word all the time, just not usually in front of Shirley."

Shirley waved him off, but not really. "It's alright, Jeffrey. Maybe the baby Jesus has gotten used to it by now."

Abed got up to pace. "There's often an emphasis on male homosexuality, since it's not usually shown on TV."

"Of course not," Pierce said. "Gayness is a ruse by women to make men feel guilty about how they dress."

"You didn't say 'streets ahead,'" Annie accused, warming to the fanfic idea.

"I don't have to say it after every sentence. That would be streets behind."

Jeff ran his hands through his hair. "Look. None of us have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, so we're clearly not in a fanfic."

"Who's that sitting in your lap?" Abed asked.

"Raven Nightglow?" Jeff looked deep into her eyes. "She's not my girlfriend. She's my soulmate."

They kissed. Britta pretended not to care. Annie made that noise she did on the show. "But I thought Jeff was going to end up with either me or Britta or both of us if it was his birthday?"

Abed looked at them apologetically. "She's a Mary-Sue. You can't compete with her."

"Hey!" Raven cried. "I resent the implication that every original female character is some fangirl's wish-fulfillment fantasy!"

"So where are you from, Raven?" Troy asked, since he hadn't had any lines in a while.

"I originally hail from the Crystal Kingdom. As you can see from my violet eyes and blue-gold hair, I was a member of the royal family, a princess next in line for the throne. But then my evil brother betrayed the Crystal Kingdom to the Hat'ers and they were wiped out. Now I'm the last of my kind."

Jeff smiled. "I thought I detected a Crystal Kingdom accent in that perfect singing voice of yours."

Annie was doing her stress breathing exercises, which were worthless now that Jeff wasn't looking at her chest. "But if this is a fanfic and the pairing is Jeff/Raven, what am I doing here? What is my life's purpose? Don't I get to have sex?"

"Annie, those are all great questions, but life isn't a fanfic, unless the fanficcer is Buddha and the story is written in lasers." Pierce smiled at Raven. "But you are too streets ahead to be true."

Raven blushed. "Stop it, Pierce-chan, I'm no saint. I get angry and sarcastic when people insult my friends."

"That's nothing," Jeff said. "Britta gets angry and sarcastic _with_ her friends."

Everyone laughed, even Britta, although she did a sarcastic laugh that she hoped someone would pick up on.

"But if this _were_ a fanfic, as failed romantic interests, you would either want Jeff to be happy or violently oppose his new relationship."

"_I_ just want Jeff to be happy," Annie cooed.

"I want Jeff to be happy too," Britta said, "with that _slut._"

Abed pressed on. "And Shirley will get written out for some vague reason."

Shirley was getting up. "If you all will excuse me, Tyler Perry has a new movie coming out this weekend and I have to get in line for tickets."

"It's Wednesday!" Jeff protested.

Shirley nodded and moved out.

"Britta, if you and Annie are still here, it's probably because you're in a femslash story. If you start discovering that all your hostility is really a mask for sexy feelings, just go with it."

Britta looked at Annie. It was impossible that she had feelings for her. Sure, they were friends, but nothing more. She cared for Annie like a sister. Like a sister, she wanted to hug her and have sleepovers and kiss her on the cheek and on the lips and on her large, pert breasts…

Britta began strangling her finger with one of her bangs. "If this were a fanfic, would there be any way to tell if it were one of those weird ones with kinky sex? Because I am not having tentacles in any of my orifices, not after that night my animal rights group tried to liberate Sea World."

Abed was deep in thought. "We seem to be talking a long time without anything actually happening. This could be just a crackfic, where someone odd happens like everyone being robots." He extended his hand for a low five, which Troy quickly gave him.

"Yes, that's the only way something odd could possibly happen around here," Jeff said sarcastically. "For it to be a fanfic."

Chang walked in, his leather pants stretching admirably over the well-honed bulge between his legs, his white shirt billowing open to show his sculpted abs and the tasteful "El Tigre" tattoo across his bulging pectoral muscles.

"So it looks like I'm still not good enough for your little 'group therapy' sessions," he said snidely, but capped with a longing look at Raven Nightglow. "I'll be in the quad if you need me. For anything." With a leer, he turned on his heel and walked out, leather pants snugly gripping the juicy hamhocks of his buttocks.

"Draco in leather pants," Abed said. "Definitely a fanfic."

"If nobody else minds, can we all get some studying done?" Troy asked. "Whoa. If this is a fanfic, I am way out of character."


End file.
